The Fan Hub

As I sit here typing this column, my checking account balance sits at exactly $376.76.

I tell you this for no other reason than to tell you after writing this column, the balance will sit at $76.76, which — according to my calculations — is just enough money to comp an average weekend of debauchery and binge eating here in Happy Valley.

(Contrary to popular perception, FanHub President Dave Jacober does not comp my binge-filled weekends, a fact which will be at the top of my agent's wish list come contract negotiation time. You know, once I get an agent. Or a contract.)

[Jacober Note: The contract was contingent on said writer not losing his computer three times.]

Where did the initial $300 go? Books? Grad school applications? A totally misguided column where I throw $300 into my Bovada account and go balls deep into some Super Bowl bets?

Yeah, let's not even pretend the first two were an option and just drop into the props.

$25: Player to Score First Touchdown of the Game: Jake Ballard (20/1)
$20: Player to Score First Touchdown of the Game: Deion Branch (15/1)

Reasoning: For this prop, always choose one player on each side whose odds are artificially high considering the circumstances. For the Giants, the probability of Ballard catching a second or third down touchdown pass from inside the red zone feels just as likely as Brandon Jacobs (12/1) running one in.

Pats-wise, If Gronkowski's ankle isn't at 100 percent, that will allow the Giants to focus on covering Aaron Hernandez and bracketing Wes Welker — leaving Branch with the weakest coverage of the Pats top three receivers.

Possible Winnings: $500 (Ballard), $300 (Branch)
Amount Remaining: $250

$55: Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during her Super Bowl halftime show? (NO, -110)

Please God let this be her outfit on Sunday.

Reasoning: I don't care if I might as well be burning $50 in front of starving African babies — I'm making this bet for men and mankind across the world. No one wants to see your worn out 53-year-old ass in anything but a Hilary Clinton-esque pantsuit, Madonna. I repeat: NO ONE.

Either way, I won't know whether or not I win this bet until I look at the YouTube clip, because I'll be watching the Puppy Bowl during halftime.

(DON'T JUDGE ME — YOU KNOW IT'S ADORABLE.)

Possible Winnings: $105
Amount Remaining: $200

$50: Who Will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game Thank First? (Teammates: 5/4)
$50: Who Will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game Thank First? (God: 4/1)

Reasoning: It's certainly not because I just spent the last 25 minutes researching YouTube clips of past Super Bowl MVP speeches and realized these are the only two possibilities.

Possible Winnings: $112.50 (Teammates), $200 (God)
Amount Remaining: $100

Props I Wanted to Bet, But Couldn't Because I'm a Broke Ass:
— How Many Times Will Gisele Bundchen be shown on TV during the game? (OVER .5, -200)
— Total Interceptions: Eli Manning (OVER .5, -200)
Reasoning: Both bets are easy money for anyone who has $100 sitting in their pocket and wants to turn it into $150.

$100: Margin of Victory-New York Giants (7 to 10 points, 7/1)

Reasoning: The Giants are the better, more complete team and New England's best offensive weapon will be at less than 75 percent.

NY Giants 27
New England Patriots 17

Best Case Scenario: $1505
Worst Case Scenario: Lose all my bets, overdraft my checking account over the weekend and wind up with a grandson with a dog collar.

Enjoy the Super Bowl, folks.