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March in the Boston School Cafeteria

by Sean Melia       March 1st, 2012 9:19 AM
  • March-in-the-Boston-School-Cafeteria
  • Credit: US PRESSWIRE

    • February was a tough month for Boston sports. The Bruins and Celtics both slumped, the Red Sox began answering "chicken and beer" questions again, and the Patriots lost the Super Bowl.

    Normally the jocks in the Boston cafeteria are boisterous, the center of attention. This month though the Cool Kid Table is pretty empty, as a lot of the jocks have stuck to having lunch with their teams and some have not shown their face at all.

    Let's take a look around the cafeteria.

    The Bad Boy Table

    Tim Thomas


    “Wait, is this government filtered water???” Marc DesRosiers-US PRESSWIRE

    Tim Thomas is sitting at the end of the table reading a book titled Social Media for Dummies. Tim has caused quite a stir throughout the school, using his Facebook page to discuss his dislike of the student body president, explaining that he did not agree with how he was running the school dances and numerous fundraisers. Tim believes the President has become too powerful, using his position to control social functions and even trying to limit teen pregnancy.

    Rajon Rondo

    Rondo cannot seem to find a consistent place to eat his lunch. He has recently been at the loser table and the winner table. This month he is demoted to the bad boy table after throwing the basketball at a referee (earning a suspension) and also playing some really poor basketball after learning he did not make the mid-season selection of All-State by the local newspaper.

    Loser Table

    Gisele Bundchen

    The prettiest girl in school, and some think the entire county, has been sent to the loser table after her outburst following the Patriots loss to the Giants. The football team won't let her sit with them, and cheerleaders think she broke the spirit of what a true cheerleader is.

    Her stud boyfriend has joined her for some lunches. He is a supportive boyfriend, and also thinks his performances in the playoffs might deserve a few lunches at the loser table.

    John Henry and Larry Lucchino

    Even though John Henry has enough money to own the cafeteria, he and his crony Larry cannot find a place to sit. Therefore they are left at the loser table. John's girlfriend gets very jealous and thinks that the only reason he is sitting there is because Gisele is there. When Henry tries to explain Larry interrupts him and makes things worse.

    Cool Kid Table

    Tom Brady


    “Did you really think I’d be at the loser table?”

    Tom Brady had an opportunity to become a member of the legends table in the Super Bowl, while the loss has not totally killed that chance, it killed it for the time being.

    During every lunch since the Super Bowl Brady has wandered the halls looking for his buddy Wes Welker, who has not shown his face in the cafeteria since the "The Drop" in the big game. Brady knows how hard Wes is on himself, and in truth Welker is a huge reason the team was in the Super Bowl in the first place.

    Tom is also wandering the hallways so he can avoid Kevin Youkilis, who is dating Tom's sister. Tom doesn't really want to hang out with Youk and hates when he comes over on the weekend. Youk eats all the food in the fridge and when they play whiffleball in the yard anytime Youk gets hit he freaks out and runs into the house screaming.

    While Tom does spend Friday lunch with his girlfriend, he also sits at the cool kid table with a bunch of middle school kids who have found their way into the cafeteria for the month.

    Harvard Men's Basketball, BC and BU Men's Hockey

    These three teams have taken over the cool kid table for the month, as the youngsters might be the hottest teams in the city. BC is #1 in the nation and BU is #4.

    Harvard men's hoops have fallen out of the top 25 but are still receiving votes, and in the Jeremy Lin craziness from February means that these guys still deserve a spot at the table for the month. March could be a promising month for all three of these teams as they get ready for their tournaments.

    A/V Club table

    These guys have had a lot to talk about over the last month. Legacies, trades, spring training, and slumps have been the talk of the school.

    Danny Ainge recently walked past the table on his way to sit with Doc Rivers and had a few choice words for Newspaper Editor Bill Simmons after he wrote a vitriolic rant regarding his basketball recruiting tactics. A fight nearly broke out, but luckily new baseball coach Bobby Valentine took a moment from watching every move of his players to break up the fight.

    Red Sox Table

    The Red Sox are back to practicing and are required to eat lunch together. Following a poor season last year, Valentine has decided to ban sugary drinks from lunch; he believes many of the players' performances was affected by sugar highs last season.


    “You better drop that damn soda right now, Beckett.” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

    Valentine has also started sitting next to Josh Beckett with a stopwatch, keeping track of the time between each bite of food he takes. Beckett is consistently late to the class that immediately follows lunch, and Valentine believes it's because he is spending too much time between each fork load of food. Needless to say, this has ticked off Beckett, who is now eating even slower than normal.

    There are two seats left empty in honor of two players who have decided to not play baseball anymore. They were both very productive players and leaders on some of the State Championship teams. Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek are now eating lunch off campus where they can have all the sugary drinks they would like.

    Newcomer Cody Ross continues to annoy his new teammates with stories about his World Series victory in 2010 with the Giants:

    Cody: He threw a fastball and I just turned on it. Nothing like hitting a homer on the biggest st-

    Most of the table: We know

    Andrew Bailey: Hey, some of us don't know. So what happened happen next, Cody? I can't wait for the playoffs.

    Dan Shaugnessy (walking by): Then you better ask for a trade to Tampa or New York, kid.

    Bruins Table:

    The Bruins are another quiet group of jocks that are not quite sure what to do with themselves. They just added two new players to the team, and they are hoping that new blood will spark a winning streak.

    Claude Julien has been trying very hard to mix up where the players are sitting at lunch, but to no avail. Everyone at the school is hoping the team can bottle the magic from last season and make another push for a State Championship. The team is learning the hard way how difficult it is to repeat as champions.

    Celtics Table


    “That’s what happens when you don’t pass the salt, Brandon.” Mark L. Baer-US PRESSWIRE

    It is rare to find this entire team sitting together. There is always someone out sick, or a player is eating lunch in the training room while getting their body fixed.

    The team is having a hard time with Brandon "no pass" Bass, who refuses to ever pass the basketball or the salt. Once he gets the salt in his hand he is very reluctant to pass it to anyone else. Everyone knows how valuable salt is in a High School Cafeteria.

    Patriots Table

    The saddest table of them all. They are still reeling from the Super Bowl loss. But some people deal with disappointment differently.

    The team is having a particularly tough time with other students walking by and doing their Gronk impersonation. No, not spiking the football, but dancing, poorly. Gronk is struggling to move quickly enough to catch any of them to give them a noogie or a swirly after his ankle injury.

    Things in the cafeteria are a little down. Here's hoping March brings some happier and more successful Boston athletes.

    What did you think? Leave a comment

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