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April in the Boston School Cafeteria

by Sean Melia       May 9th, 2012 9:22 AM
  • April-in-the-Boston-School-Cafeteria
  • Credit: US PRESSWIRE

    • Once again, it is time to take a peak into the Boston Sports Cafeteria for the month of April. Who are the winners? Losers? And who isn't even able to make it as far as the lunch room due to injury? Let's take a look:

    Cool Kid Table

    Tom Brady


    On second thought…

    Brady often takes the spring semester off to travel to Brazil or other exotic places that have waterslides and other beautiful people. He usually returns for a week or so to get some more schoolwork to do, but then he will jet off with his Gisele.

    When he returns he will sit with the cool kids; however, many of them have asked him to sit somewhere else because Ocho Cinco is constantly, and loudly, trying to convince him that he can still catch a football.

    Ocho is very threatened by the table full of new wide receivers sitting in the corner of the cafeteria (Brandon Lloyd, Anthony Gonzalez, Dante Stallworth, and Jabar Gaffney). He wants to make sure Tommy knows how good he can still be.

    David Ortiz
    Even though the baseball team is off to a terrible start, Ortiz is crushing the ball. He hit .405 with six home runs and 20 RBI in April. The aging slugger hushed many critics that were ready to pounce if he had yet another slow start.

    It is believed that Ortiz gave a swirly to one of the school newspaper writers after writing a critical article about the him; Ortiz denies it. However, when you watch him walk past the writers lunch table, none of them will look him in the eye.

    Paul Pierce
    The senior basketball star is playing great to start the tournament. After Rondo was suspended for a game, Pierce stepped up and scored 36 points to carry his team to a vital victory.

    KG


    Kevin can sit wherever he wants.

    Kevin Garnett spends most of his lunchtime pointing at freshman, screaming at nothing in particular, pounding his chest, and occasionally smashing lunch trays over his head. Frankly, people are scared of him, but they know it's playoff time, so they roll with it.

    They also roll with it because KG's performance has been superb over the past month while playing the center position.

    Cody Ross
    The new #7 for the baseball team has hit some very long homers in his first month. The balding right fielder is testing the theory that "chicks dig the long ball." Unfortunately, the hard-hitting Ross cannot overcome the no-hitter that his hair follicles are throwing.

    Like Ortiz, Ross had a very solid April in spite of a poor team performance. While his average was only .257, he hit 5 HR and drove in 18 RBI.

    Mike Aviles
    This Red Sox shortstop was many fans second choice behind a young whipper-snapped Jose Iglesias. Aviles was believed to be a weaker fielder than Jose; however he is a better hitter. He has pretty much proven everyone correct. Aviles' offense has been very solid., with 5 homers and 17 RBI while batting .291. His play in the field has been average, but at least his glove has not cost the team any games…yet.

    Loser Table

    Adrian Gonzalez


    Credit: Greg M. Cooper-US PRESSWIRE

    After his 0-8 showing in a 17 inning loss, Adrian Gonzalez was approached by a strange man.

    Adrian: Can I help you?

    (The man holds up a driver's license with Adrian's picture on it.)

    Adrian: Um, I don't have my license, that must be someone else's.

    Man: After watching you today, I think you are going to be a fantastic driver. So am I giving you your driver's license.

    Adrian: Wait, I was playing baseball. What does that have to do with driving.

    Man: Adrian, you clearly can't hit anything. You will be a very safe driver.

    (Adrian watches in disbelief as the man walked away).

    Tim Thomas
    The hockey goalie had a disappointing finish to the season. He gave up the sudden death goal that ended the team's season prematurely, and his overall performance since trashing the student senate on Facebook in January was poor. Now there are rumors spreading that he might transfer to allow for a middle school student named Tuukka.

    Thomas and Clay Buchholz have kindled quite a friendship at the lunch table. Their bond is centered around the fact that they are both used to having objects fly past them at blinding speed.

    Kevin Youkilis
    While many of his lunches have been spent in the nurse's office recently, Youk's slow start has earned him a spot at this table.

    When Youk does make it down to lunch he is often seen toting around a portable massager to help with his ailing back. The other strange thing he is doing is much more worrisome. Youk will often get two knives from the kitchen and sit starting at Will Middlebrooks, his replacement at third base, as he slowly sharpens one knife against the other.

    Clay Buchholz
    Buchholz has been complaining about dizziness since the baseball season started. Doctors were confounded until Coach Valentine stepped in to make a diagnosis. Valentine believes that Clay's vertigo is from one simple issue: he has had people running around him at very high speeds every time he pitches. His equilibrium has been thrown way off.

    Buchholz has been horrible this season, but luckily his offense has gone out and won him three games even though his ERA was 8.69 in the month of April. Unfortunately for him, his ERA is 12.27 in one start in May. It looks like he might need some Dramamine before his next start. Maybe the fans should take some too.

    What did you think? Leave a comment

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