The Fan Hub

It's commencement season in the world of academia. Students are moving on, graduating to the next level of their studies, or preparing for life in the real world.

However, there's also a group of people who have a very small window of opportunity to graduate to the next level of fandom. That's right Pink Hats, you have a rare chance, almost has rare as Haley's Comet, to move up to the level of "real fan."

Why is this window of opportunity open now, you ask? Simple. The Red Sox have angered enough people, played poorly enough, and also doled out enough disappointment in the past three years that Pink Hats can prove they have earned their stripes.

However, just like any graduation, you need to earn it (unless you're Charles Barkley). Class credits are required to trade in those pink bedazzled jerseys and hats. Here are the basic requirements for Pink Hat graduation:

Fandom 101:

“Is this like, almost over yet?”

This survey course teaches students how to be a true fan. Some of the topics that are covered: what time to arrive at the stadium, when it is acceptable to leave the stadium, how to choose a favorite player, what media to consume, how to hold conversations with other fans, when it is acceptable to leave your seat to get a beer, when you should take pictures, and appropriate ways to behave on the Big Screen.

Guest lecturer:
Michael Sullivan (Sully) from Southie
Gary Pearson: Fenway Usher

Sweet Caroline 101:

During this class you will learn nothing. Instead, students will sit in a dark room for 45 minutes twice a week, and listen to various versions of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" on a continuous loop.

Guest Lecturer:
Neil Diamond (one live performance at the final class meeting)

Overreaction 101:
This class will teach you the art of overreacting and living and dying with every game and series.

Did the Sox lose three in a row to the Yankees? This class will teach you how to call in to sports talk radio and rip into three players and maybe one coach/manager/owner. Did the Sox just rip off five wins against the Indians and the Mariners? Well then you better go buy your World Series tickets on Ace Ticket! Best team ever!

Guest Lecturer:
Dan Shaughnessy: Boston Globe columnist

Booing and cheering 101:

This introductory course discusses the correct times to both cheer and boo during a game and that the wave is no longer cool.

Guest Lecturer:
Tommy Murphy from the bleacher seats

Positions 101:

Baseball has a lot of confusing positions, especially for Pink Hats. This course will cover the different positions, including the different types of pitchers and nicknames for different positions.

Guest Lecturer:
Johnny Pesky

Rivalry 201:

We all know the Yankees Suck. This course will cover why the Yankees suck. It will look back at the history of the two franchises, how their paths have crossed throughout the years, and how the rivalry has changed and developed.

By the end, when you yell "Yankees Suck," you will be informed.

Guest Lecturer:
Geno Rizzo from the North End

Baseball economics 201:

A lot of the anger that "real" Red Sox fans have is based on the money that a lot of the players are getting paid. This class will discuss the salaries that individual players are getting paid. It will also compare their salaries to players on other teams that have better records than the Red Sox.

Finally, this class will also compare the players' salaries with the salaries of the students in the class. How many years will you have to work in order to earn as much as John Lackey? The answer will make you angry, putting you one step closer to being a real Red Sox fan.

Guest Lecturer:
Theo Epstein

Not everything about the pink hat crowd is bad.

Apparel 301:

Pink Hats are named for their omnipresent eyesore of an accessory on top of their head. The industry has boomed and now fans are wearing pink jerseys, bedazzled hats, and flashy jackets.

This class will teach students what apparel is correct for "real" Red Sox fans. Traditional gear is always preferred; however, there are some ways to be original without being a pink hat.

Guest Lecturer:
Hal Kinner: Sidewalk vender outside Fenway Park

So there you have it, Pink Hats. Now is your chance, trade in your pink Red Sox garb, buy a Will Middlebrooks or Daniel Nava jersey, and get on board. Diplomas are going fast now that the Sox have won 5 in a row.

Best Team Ever!