It's commencement season in the world of academia. Students are moving on, graduating to the next level of their studies, or preparing for life in the real world.
However, there's also a group of people who have a very small window of opportunity to graduate to the next level of fandom. That's right Pink Hats, you have a rare chance, almost has rare as Haley's Comet, to move up to the level of "real fan."
Why is this window of opportunity open now, you ask? Simple. The Red Sox have angered enough people, played poorly enough, and also doled out enough disappointment in the past three years that Pink Hats can prove they have earned their stripes.
However, just like any graduation, you need to earn it (unless you're Charles Barkley). Class credits are required to trade in those pink bedazzled jerseys and hats. Here are the basic requirements for Pink Hat graduation:
This survey course teaches students how to be a true fan. Some of the topics that are covered: what time to arrive at the stadium, when it is acceptable to leave the stadium, how to choose a favorite player, what media to consume, how to hold conversations with other fans, when it is acceptable to leave your seat to get a beer, when you should take pictures, and appropriate ways to behave on the Big Screen.
Michael Sullivan (Sully) from Southie
Gary Pearson: Fenway Usher
Sweet Caroline 101:
During this class you will learn nothing. Instead, students will sit in a dark room for 45 minutes twice a week, and listen to various versions of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" on a continuous loop.
Neil Diamond (one live performance at the final class meeting)
This class will teach you the art of overreacting and living and dying with every game and series.
Did the Sox lose three in a row to the Yankees? This class will teach you how to call in to sports talk radio and rip into three players and maybe one coach/manager/owner. Did the Sox just rip off five wins against the Indians and the Mariners? Well then you better go buy your World Series tickets on Ace Ticket! Best team ever!
Dan Shaughnessy: Boston Globe columnist
Booing and cheering 101:
This introductory course discusses the correct times to both cheer and boo during a game and that the wave is no longer cool.
Tommy Murphy from the bleacher seats
Baseball has a lot of confusing positions, especially for Pink Hats. This course will cover the different positions, including the different types of pitchers and nicknames for different positions.
We all know the Yankees Suck. This course will cover why the Yankees suck. It will look back at the history of the two franchises, how their paths have crossed throughout the years, and how the rivalry has changed and developed.
By the end, when you yell "Yankees Suck," you will be informed.
Geno Rizzo from the North End
Baseball economics 201:
A lot of the anger that "real" Red Sox fans have is based on the money that a lot of the players are getting paid. This class will discuss the salaries that individual players are getting paid. It will also compare their salaries to players on other teams that have better records than the Red Sox.
Finally, this class will also compare the players' salaries with the salaries of the students in the class. How many years will you have to work in order to earn as much as John Lackey? The answer will make you angry, putting you one step closer to being a real Red Sox fan.
Pink Hats are named for their omnipresent eyesore of an accessory on top of their head. The industry has boomed and now fans are wearing pink jerseys, bedazzled hats, and flashy jackets.
This class will teach students what apparel is correct for "real" Red Sox fans. Traditional gear is always preferred; however, there are some ways to be original without being a pink hat.
Hal Kinner: Sidewalk vender outside Fenway Park
So there you have it, Pink Hats. Now is your chance, trade in your pink Red Sox garb, buy a Will Middlebrooks or Daniel Nava jersey, and get on board. Diplomas are going fast now that the Sox have won 5 in a row.
Best Team Ever!
Fan Hub Action
Marcy Kelly June 12th
Wow! I must have listened to a completely differnt press conference. Oh, wait- you convinently left off all of the good things they just got…
Nathan Devine June 5th
The dude is nasty. The fastball is REAL heavy at 97-100. Steady improvement every year.
Jeanne-Marie Jansen Lowell May 23rd
Greatest relief pitcher EVER! Someday we can all tell our grandchildren we got to see him pitch. A true legend!
Charlie Lobosco May 23rd
Ask Craig; I’ll say it again; not the best relief pitcher ever; the best MLB player ever. Yes, that includes everyone.
Jim Lowell May 23rd
Great tribute to a great player, a great Yankee, and a great man.Thank you!
Frank Lowell May 23rd
Great job, Ryan! As a life-long Yankee hater since the 1950’s in the closing days of the Brooklyn Dodgers, I can only sit back and…
Tiffany Riddle May 23rd
Love the article, and I completely agree!
Michael T Carr May 16th
Another good article, Craig Lowell.
June 18th, 2013 3:14 PM
ALL TIME FAVES
April 29th, 2013 12:20 PM
April 15th, 2013 11:56 AM
March 22nd, 2013 9:37 PM
April 30th, 2013 3:22 PM