My favorite part of the MTV Movie awards on Sunday night was when they played an Above the Influence anti-drug and alcohol commercial, immediately followed by a Taco Bell Fourth Meal commercial. I don't know anyone that has ever enjoyed a fourth meal at Taco Bell without being influenced by drugs or alcohol. It was like seeing a commercial telling you to watch Glee, right before a political ad telling you to vote for Mitt Romney.
But the awards got me thinking — who would win the sports equivalent of the MTV Movie awards? I don't mean the ESPYs, I don't care who the best Female Action Sports Athlete is. I want to know who would win Best Fight? Who wins best comedic performance? How do we determine who the Inaugural Trailblazer award should go to? Well, I'll tell you…
BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
Melissa McCarthy won this award that was impossible to give to anyone else. A performance so memorable, it ranks right up there with the recent performances of Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis and JaVale McGee. McGee's comedic performance this year with the Washington Wizards was only challenged by Nick Young's performance this year with the Washington Wizards. Whether he was trying to dunk from the free throw line or running back on defense while his team was still on offense, McGee's comedic timing was impeccable.
What's amazing is the range he's shown in just one year. It took Robin Williams years to be taken seriously, but it took McGee just one game to show he can pull off a dramatic role as he hit the game winner in his first game after being traded to the Nuggets. He was almost Oscar-worthy at times in the playoff series against the Lakers, but I think everyone's hoping to see him go back to making comedies next year.
The Best Fight Nominees aren't a very diverse bunch. Googling "baseball fight 2012" brings up a college cheapshot and a high school brawl that involved parents, but I wanted to keep the nominees to pro sports.
Googling "basketball fight 2012" caused Google to immediately ask "did you mean basketball wives fight 2012?" which led to me not getting this article in on time.
Googling "basketball fight 2012" caused Google to immediately ask "did you mean basketball wives fight 2012?" which led to me not getting this article in on time. The two best fights both happened in the NHL, with the only nominees being the Rangers and Devils dropping the gloves during the opening faceoff and the fight on April 1 between the Flyers and the Penguins that also wins an award for most saliva on Pierre McGuire's head.
However, I'd like there to be acting involved, and while you could argue that the NFL pretending to care about the well-being of it's players is a tremendous acting job, I want the pretending to be done by the players themselves. That's why the winner is the amazing double flop between Manu Ginobili and James Harden. They look like two Hollywood actors attempting to do their own stunts.
MTV TRAILBLAZER AWARD
This award was given to Emma Stone on Sunday. It's not a lifetime achievement award exactly, more of a "Congrats on the five movies you've been in so far" award. It's called the "Trailblazer Award," but here are some other names that MTV was considering…
- "Let's give you one more award before you're too old for our demographic" award
- "We Think she's got the ginger curse and will fall down a Lindsey Lohan Rabbit Hole, so let's celebrate her while we can" award
- "The President of MTV's kid wants to meet Emma Stone so let's make sure she comes to the show" award
- "An excuse to promote the new Spiderman movie and get more people to watch our award show" award
I want to make it clear that I think Emma Stone is amazingly talented. She's engaging in interviews, funny on SNL, and made me like two movies that I was forced to go see (Crazy, Stupid, Love and Marmaduke — I'm kidding, no one saw Marmaduke). I just wish MTV would openly admit that they invented this award so that she'd come to the awards show and more people would tune in. That's like a sports website forcing the names Tim Tebow, Jeremy Lin and Bryce Harper into an article because they get googled the most…which is exactly what I'm doing by declaring them all (Tim Tebow, Jeremy Lin, Bryce Harper) the winners of the Trailblazer award in a three-way tie. To honor them (Tim Tebow, Jeremy Lin, Bryce Harper), I've taken three of Emma Stone's movies and see what they'd be like if they were re-made with Tim Tebow, Jeremy Lin and Bryce Harper…
Zombieland – Original: A violent Emma Stone and a group of people that were abandoned by others try to outrun Zombies.
- Remake: A violent Bryce Harper and a group of people that were abandoned by other teams try to entertain National Fans.
Easy A – Original: Emma Stone stars as a virgin who becomes the most popular girl in school when a lie is spread that she has actually had sex.
- Remake: Tim Tebow stars as a virgin who becomes the most popular player in the NFL when a lie is spread that he's a starting NFL quarterback.
The Help – Original: Emma Stone stars as a white girl who helps Black women improve their social standing by writing a book with a New York Publisher.
- Remake: Jeremy Lin stars as an Asian guy who helps Black men move up in the standings and makes headlines really easy to write for New York newspapers.
Have any ideas about which athletes would win the other MTV Movie Awards? Can you think of any other Emma Stone movies that should be remade with a highly Googled athlete? Let us know in the comments!
Chris Burns is a comedian, writer and producer based in New York City. You can follow him on Twitter @chrisburns to get show updates and weird jokes
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Michael T Carr May 16th
Another good article, Craig Lowell.
Charlie Lobosco May 1st
This is a very compelling story because Mr. Collins is a very passionate, tough, intelligent, athelete taking on some additional responsibliity to help others as…
Scott Cohen May 1st
Charlie.. very well said.. he does have guts
Scott Cohen May 1st
but it shouldn’t require guts. .like you said it’s nobody’s business but his own
Hisham Zameeth April 30th
best player ever…..
Kareem Musa Mayowa April 29th
We don’t need to be hopeless about the situation bryant his. Because even david villa situation also up to the level of his own to…
Maritess Lim April 28th
I still believe in KOBE’s power…… He is still the best…… He will make it possible no matter what……
mimi_aragon84 April 28th
I feel no pity for him. First of all, it is EAGLE, COLORADO, not Eagleton, secondly he enjoyed success and adulation from fans from 2003…
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