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I have never been to Europe and I stopped playing organized soccer when I was 11 (unless you count a disastrous year in high school that ended with me getting staples in my head). So I really shouldn't be that big a fan of the European Championships. However, the NBA Finals have no more than four games left, and I'm trying to put off watching baseball for as long as I can. If you have no ties to any of the countries, but are still looking for a team to pull for, here's an uninformed and completely biased view of every country in the tournament…

Group A

Czech Republic

No, Chris still hasn’t forgiven you.

Two words immediately come to mind when I hear Czech Republic: Dominik Hasek. The goalie who could single-handedly win a gold medal for the Czechs in 1998 but couldn't stop this dubious goal for the Sabres in Stanley Cup finals in 1999. He then forced his way off the team and won a cup with the Detroit Red Wings in 2002. How can I root for a country that has people like that living inside it? And what city besides Buffalo, NY could produce a gold medal winning goalie and a silver medal winning goalie but no Stanley Cup winning goalie?

You should probably root for them if:
You admire athletes who abandon cities in dire need of a championship

Greece
Greece is beautiful. Saying I like Greece forces me to admit two dark secrets. One: the PBS music special "Yanni: Live at the Acropolis" was the first thing besides Buffalo Bills games that my Dad and I would watch together in the living room. Two: I didn't hate the movie "Mamma Mia!" It's not like it's my favorite movie you guys, I'm just saying it’s impossible to leave the theater after seeing that movie without a smile on your face and a strong desire to fly to Greece and sing with strangers.

You should probably root for them if:
You want the country that's been hit the hardest with economic troubles to make a comeback or have a secret love of musicals starring Pierce Brosnan

Russia
Have you seen Rocky IV? (I have.) Or experienced the Cold War? (I heard about it.) Or get weirded out when hearing about Alex Ovechkin's relationship with his mother? (Yikes.) (eliminated)

Poland
One of the host countries! A country people make fun of a lot! (eliminated)

Group B

Germany

Any action movie villain that's not Russian is probably German. Fictional or not, I don't root for bad guys. Germany might as well be fielding 11 Hans Grubers as far as I'm concerned. Do yourself a favor — channel your inner-John McClane and pick a different team to root for. What did Mr. Nakatomi ever do to you anyway?

You should probably root for them if:
You have blonde hair and blue eyes or are Hollywood actor Alan Rickman

Portugal
The only thing I know about Portugal is they were favorites going into the 2002 World Cup and were beaten by the U.S. in one of the greatest games in U.S. soccer history. Portugal is still led by Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the best players in the world who Craig Lowell compared to the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez. Not unlike A-Rod, Ronaldo was almost written off when he pulled out a huge two-goal performance to carry his team through to the quarterfinals. He'll probably celebrate his performance by posing naked in front of a mirror that he's kissing for a men's magazine.

You should probably root for them if:
You're a Yankee fan, Cameron Diaz, or any woman who is attracted to men.

Denmark
I run into people from Denmark pretty much every time I perform stand-up comedy at a hostel, and I will say this about the people of Denmark: they politely laugh at jokes they don't understand more than any other country in the world and that's enough for me. (eliminated)

Netherlands
I used to love the Dutch national team in college when I played FIFA Soccer for PlayStation every day. Patrick Kluivert, the de Boers, and Phillip Cocu were basically unbeatable. It's amazing that I remembered all their names without having to look any of them up. What's not amazing is their team this year. I don't know any of their players’ names and won't be learning them because they won 0 games in the group stage (eliminated)

Group C

Spain
I'm horrible at Spanish. I took four years of it in high school and another two in college, and I'd get lost immediately if I was ever dropped in Spain. I do know that they won the World Cup in 2010, which makes them huge favorites for the Euro Cup this year. That's enough to make me root against them.

You should probably root for them if:
You understand all the words this announcer says

Italy

One of these guys must be on the Italian national team.

Also known as "Europe's New Jersey," Italy has already advanced to the quarterfinal round of the Euro Cup. Their food is delicious and the movies and television shows depicting them are violent. They managed five points in the group stage despite being without American-born Giuseppe Rossi, who is sidelined with a knee injury. Guess what state Rossi was born in — New Jersey!

You should probably root for them if:
You're reading this in a tanning bed

Croatia
Does Toni Kukoc play for Croatia? Or someone like Toni Kukoc? I'm not sure what I mean when I say someone "like" Toni Kukoc. Do I mean "Croatian?" Then yes, everyone on Croatia's soccer team is like Toni Kukoc. A Wikipedia search of Croatia tells me that they have a very high "Human Development Index." A Wikipedia search of "Human Development Index" tells me that it's a new term meaning "standard of living." To me, a "Human Development Index" sounds like a chart that an alien world would look at before deciding which planet to take over. (eliminated)

Ireland
This is the only country in the tournament that I have any ancestral ties to. They're also exactly the kind of team I'd root for! Like my favorite teams from Buffalo, Ireland is a blue collar team that no one expects a lot from, and so it makes sense that this team was the first country eliminated from competition. (eliminated)

Group D

France

This dude will wreck your relationship.

Girls love France, and even though I have never been to France or any other place in Europe, I do not like it. I prefer bagels to baguettes, and a girl who won't leave me for a French guy with a sexy accent to a girl named Emily, who most definitely did. Anyway, these guys are probably all having sex with your girlfriends.

You should probably root for them if:
You're my ex-girlfriend Emily

England
The Brits are tied for first in this group, and that's without having Wayne Rooney for the first two games. Rooney doesn't look like he should be much of a player at 5'9", and who doesn't like rooting for those kinds of players? I usually root for England, probably because they almost talk like us.

You should probably root for them if:
You watched any of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee

Sweden
Sweden's not great at soccer even though every Swedish person has the genes of a Viking. They're like the Todd Marinovich of European countries — all promise and very little follow through. Like the All-State high school quarterback who quits the team senior year to smoke pot and write novels. To be fair, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo came from a Swedish author, so Swedes might just be good at whatever they want to be good at, and just aren't interested in soccer. (eliminated)

Ukraine

“Ukraine not weak.”

Another one of the host countries! I've never been to Ukraine (how do you say it anyway, is it "The Ukraine?"), but I have been to a place where 95% of the people were Ukrainian and 100% of those people were strippers. When was I at this strip club? I don't know, not yesterday and not five years ago. However long ago, it's distant enough so I don't appear creepy and recent enough so you know I'm not lying. Anyways, if this story about the 2010 World Cup is true, I'd expect the strip club to be nearly vacant during the Euro Cup.

You should probably root for them if:
You believe in miracles or your daughter has recently moved to America to become a “model”

Chris Burns is a comedian, writer and producer based in New York City. You can follow him on Twitter @chrisburns to get show updates and to be entertained while you're supposed to be working